Bionic Commando

Hey all, I know it has been a while since my last post, but it has been somewhat hectic around here, with Finals and Jury Duty and such, but without further Ado, here is our second review: Bionic Commando.

I somehow missed this game the first time around, back in 198-something, so I went to a convenient and reliable source (wikipedia) to check it out. Apparently, this game was huge back in the 80's because it featured a bionic arm with a grappling hook, rather than a jump button. It seems odd to me that a game's selling point is the fact that it's main character is not only disabled, but also lacks the ability to preform the somewhat simple task of jumping, but I mean, it was the 80's, and any decade that can give us Michael Jackson's moon walker and "Can't Touch This" can give us just about anything. The other interesting thing I learned was that although in the Japanese the enemies were Nazi's, in Europe and America, the enemy was changed to something else entirely. This struck me as odd, because Japan was on the same side as the Nazi's during WWII, and most of Europe was occupied by them, and America lost thousands fighting them, so why the hell would we not want to unite 40 years later so the grandchildren of that greatest generation could kick some polygonal Nazi ass? I mean the whole world kind of owes them another good ass kicking so what the hell?

Anyway, on to the 21st century, where we have replaced Nintendo with XBOX360 and original ideas like moon walker have been replaced by evil companies hell bent on capitalizing on our child hood memories. Thus we have Bionic Commando. Now I will note, yet again, that I never played the original of this game, so I am not all that nostalgic about it at all.

My research, however had been through, so I settled down and got myself ready to play what I thought would be some sort of platform game, and decided to look at the character's handicap as more of a challenge.. Loading the demo, I noticed the most dreaded sentence imaginable on a demo: "Multiplayer only." Shit. Not only was I going to have to learn how to play a new game, I was going to have to do it with some 12 year old brat screaming bloody murder in my ear in a high pitched sequel while he humps my corpse. Great. Personally, I think releasing a multiplayer only demo is immediate cause for me to be suspect. If the single player did not suck, why not show us a bit? It's a cheap, copout. So already Bionic Commando is already annoying me. Glancing at the clock, I noted that it was 731, and the game had been in the machine less than one minute; this had to be a record of some sort.

Anyway so I am then greeted by a neat 8 bit sound, which I am forced to conclude could only be true to the original soundtrack. So if I had played this, I would be nostalgic. I glance sadly at the "Single Player" option, which is not selectable, and click on the multiplayer option. Immediately, I am greeted by a picture of a controller. Now this is interesting, I think. And wait. Eventually, I accidentally hit a button on the controller, and the controller on the screen shows me that buttons use. It is kind of a neat gimmick, but as I start to hit all the buttons, the game loads me into a waiting room.

Eventually, someone starts the game. The system loads for what feels like a full 5 minuets (it is actually more like 2 minuets- the clock faithfully now says 735) and I am greeted with an error message "Connection lost." Pressing the A button, I am greeted with another message. "Searching for a game." This time, it really does take 3 minuets to find a game (it is now 739) We wait in the chat room for a couple of minuets (742) and then take off into the game, only to be immediately greeted by a "connection lost screen." This happens a couple of more times before I am forced to quit the game, having lost 20 minuets of my life. (It is now 800)

So that is that. Skip it. Even if you are a nostalgic gamer, SKIP IT. If this company cannot put out a working demo, then I am guessing that the finished product will not be anything to write home about. Servers, people? In my opinion, if a game developer has the balls to put out a multiplayer only demo, it should be backed up by something. So skip it, and beat anyone who doesn't skip it senseless. Because they are supporting bad gaming, and the wasting of 20 good minuets which could have otherwise been spent playing a good game.

What time is it now? ITS HAMMER TIME!